Reframing Our Possibilities Part II - When Pain & Fear Roars In

"...looking forward plays a significant role in getting anywhere." - Colleen Wainwright/50 for 50 Project

I've had a bit of a dark journey of the soul the past couple of days, but before I get into that I'd like to start off with some inspiration. I'd like to ask you to watch the above video of writer/blogger/speaker/coach Colleen Wainright's most fabulous idea of celebrating turning 50 with a month long blog-a-thon drive to raise $50,000.00 for the WriteGirl project. As of today she has raised $33,542.00 towards her goal and has until Sept. 13th to complete it. I very much believe she will.

If you read, listen or watch the news you know from some frame of references we're in dark days indeed. But despite my very recent quaqmire, I do believe there are always opportunities and bright lights if we're willing to notice the. I also believe that Colleen (using IndieGoGo) has created the kind of fun, emotionally engaging, enrolling sort of campaign that many of us could learn from for our own ventures. Those who are giving to this campaign do so joyfully because she makes it so easy - give any way you can, any amount, you'll receive goodies, you'll be taken on adventure, and you'll meet the women who inspire Colleen in turn.

It has inspired me greatly, not only have I donated, but I've decided to do my best to help launch another "Women on Bikes" project for 2012. The brainchild of Andrea White-Kjoss CEO of Bikestation (our original LBC Cycle Chic-dress for the destination bike girl), in 2007 & 2011 the program reached out to bring safety training and bikes to women in Long Beach in need of transporation alternatives. I was not involved in the original programs, but I've got some ideas on how to bring it back in a beautiful way - thank you Colleen. I'll keep you posted on some fun Andrea and I have in mind for mid November/early December along those lines.

Now back to Colleen. I have been following her blog for about a year now. I adore her candor and her humor and her talent, and I am so inspired by the fact that she has found a way to earn a living doing what she loves even though she struggles with the challenges of Crohn's disease. My challenge with migraines is painful and unpleasant, but certainly not at the level of challenge that Crohn's disease can be.

And of late as I have read her blog more faithfully because of my interest in the 50 for 50 project, I have found that we have six degrees of separation two times over in her recent interviews. One in the form of the also inspirational writer and blogger Alissa Walker of Gelatobaby.com, who I had the pleasure of meeting at the Dwell conference earlier this year (and am in the process of luring to Long Beach to speak for a fun event), and who like me found broad new horizons for her career after giving up her car. Alissa shares charming and intimate profiles of slices of L.A. that I feel one can only get by foot or by bike, don't miss her writing.

The second is Havi Brooks whom I don't have the pleasure of knowing personally (yet) but follow avidly on twitter and her very funny, very personal and very filled with "aha moments" blog about "destuckification" on "The Fluent Self." Her writing always gives me heart and courage to continue to move forward and create a life that is right kind of porridge just for me.

So now a little about my adventure through the valley of the shadow of death - and how easy it is to get sidetracked by bad. It does come back around to these women, and inspiration, I promise. I was so proud of myself Thursday morning starting off my day with creativity, with actually writing a full blog, before setting forth on my myriad of "to do's" and emails. Isn't it a good feeling when you decide on a new tactic, or behavior, or skillset you want to make for your life and stride forward and actually begin doing it? Yep, I was pretty impressed with myself. Maybe a little too much so...

As the day wore on I noticed a pinching migraine starting. I decided a walk to run errands and an early dinner would be a good idea. It felt great to get out and stretch my legs. But at dinner my food it didn't taste right, not that it was off, more that my tongue was. My stomach started to feel upset. Rainbow sherbet didn't help any.

By the time I got home I realized two things: it was a full grown migraine and a tough one with nausea (rare for me these days), and I had picked up the wrong prescription - or rather I had somehow forgotten to renew my prescription for the muscle relaxants that I take every night to help me sleep. Ug. By midnight I knew no real sleep was going to happen except in the tiniest bits, and even my dreams were be pain ridden. By Friday morning I was able to have a couple of phone conversations I needed to have for work and then went back and put my head in the toilet, frequently. The worst was just arriving. No starting of my day with creativity.

Friday and Saturday were truly hell. I could not find a way to ease the aching in the front or back of my head. I actually began question my existance. How was I was going to make it if I was now backslinding in my health and this was a warning of what more was to come? By Saturday afternoon I could manage to read little bits here and there but could take no joy in anything. The bleakest passages from my life decided they needed to be revisited. I wondered how in the world I had managed in my first years in Long Beach (starting seven years ago) when I was nauseated every day, had to throw up at work regularly, and often worked with a migraine that left me focusing on just breathing to get through the next 1/2 hour.

The variety of odd part time jobs I had somehow managed to find paraded by. The poverty I grinded through reared it's head, how for years I was so poor I got by on cans of tuna and Stoffer's lasagna and not much else, but still wrote up to two advice columns a week for a blog site, and helped a few small clients with their pr and marketing. I stayed in bed most weekends from the headaches and fatigue sleeping and reading and re-reading the Harry Potter books to keep the sadness and loneliness at bay (because that's all I could afford).

I had no social life except a few dates (how did I manage that? wow!) and only a couple dedicated friends that I talked to on the phone or via the internet. Had it not been for my mother's generosity of more or less supplying me with a wardrobe and my parents keeping my car running and paying my health insurance for years I could have easily ended up on the street.

But I did keep writing, and I was being paid to do it, even if it was a small amount. That so helped keep my head up because I had longed to be a professional writer since I'd been in third grade but just didn't think it was feasible until I was so sick I could barely do much else. But slowly slowly I improved. I went off the pain killer that caused the nausea. I began to scrape together more energy. And then I fell into being the managing editor of a local magazine (where my weird mix of experience on photo shoots and fondness for keeping track of captivating locals married with my ability to juggle details few want to know exist came in handy), and wrote for other local papers. I began to know people locally, and have a smattering of a social life, even if most of it was work related. I kept upgrading my social media savvy and refining my blog writing and creative skills.

When I began to follow twitter I quickly began to find and follow creative minded women who were doing exactly what they love. Not all are successful at it yet, some are still in transition with day jobs. I am an ardent fan of twitter stream of writer Bria Quinlin who is specializing in romantic comedies for the Young Adult genre, not yet published but on her way with great literary agent represenatation. And women who've hit exactly at the right time and place like the very young Vanya Stoyanova who transitioned from art photographer to successful book trailer creator for hot young adult writers).

Some have formed alliances and support of each other, others dance totally to the beat of their own drum, but all seem to have used the connecting powers of the Internet to re-framed the way they approach their work to something that is very personally expressive, honest and true. There is no corporate presence of should. There is professionalism, and artistry, and there is social media done with heart that is gaining amazing momentum and traction, but there is no old boys network or glass ceiling to break because these women are pioneers.

Just writing this cheers me to no end as I deal with last vestiges of the weekend's migraine. And I am reminded that Havi Brooks also inspired me because she was dealing with a chronic pain condition herself - her business began to have serious growth and suddenly she couldn't type anymore. Her forearms gave out. She had to be ok with hiring help and voice activated software and had to give up being someone who personally communicates via email.

Prior to writing this blog today I went out and had the first real meal I've had since Thursday evening. Walking up to my apartment complex I spied my next door neighbor (the world's most beautiful plumber, ah no, I'm not kidding). He too suffers on occasion from migraines. We exchanged pleasantries but when I asked how he'd been of late he admitted he'd just had a very brutal brutal migraine a day or so before. Hmmm. Maybe it was a seasonal change? Maybe not just me. That helps.

As I've written this blog I've had an "aha" creativity moment, not just that I've been inspired by these women I've shared, but that perhaps these women are whispering in my ear "do more of your own creative thing." That was the goal of starting my day with creativity back on Thursday, wasn't it? To start to find precious time every day for my own writing by starting with it first. Each time I take on a new project or client I stop writing or creating just for myself for months at a time. Yes my health is a challenge. I hit my deadlines but I need a flexible schedule. It has taken me a long time, but maybe I'm ready to be okay with that being okay - that I'm not a flawed useless person because I can't be ready and available 24/7.

And perhaps there's something these women are inspiring me to do beyond carve out time for my own creativity - perhaps leading with my own creativity will be next?

Hmmm. Stay tuned. Next I'll dig more into self recreation, and creating space for creativity as I ponder the interview questions I want to ask Word Strumpet's Charlotte Rains Dixon.

Reframing Our Possibilities Part I

Today I'm trying something new. I'm starting my day not with reading emails, or even news online, but with doing something creative, writing this blog. I'm trying this because I want to bring my creativity and story telling skills to a new level, and I have been putting my creativity-for-creativities-sake last on my list of late.  So last night, when I read Zen Habit's blog "The 5 Principals of a Profound Work Day" I thought, "Aha! What could happen if I start with creativity first?"

You see, I'm getting ready to start on two new writing projects. One is working on the "Creating Charismatic Communities" training programs and manuscript with Charlie Gandy, and one is remapping a novel I've been working on (but had put aside for over six months) and both need me to be at my creative best. What could happen, I wonder, if I started to put it first? What if I reframed my priorities and thus reframed my possibilities?

It has been a great summer work-wise as my associates and I prepare to launch a marketing project we've been working on for about a year, but a tough summer health-wise. In mid June I came down with a fierce case of food poisoning that ended up throwing off my system for the rest of the month, all of July, and crept a little into August. That of course set off the migraines and thus yours truly spent even more time than usual resting and reading. And that's where the glimmers of magic opportunity began. Oh the universe is crafty that way.

A few weeks ago I was meandering around a Barnes & Noble while waiting for Charlie to finish buying supplies at REI for his John Muir trail quest (I'm happy to share he was successful in the completion). My eyes caught a bright yellow cover with the intriguing title "The Art of Possibility." The hair stood up on the back of my neck. I read the very glowing on the cover from Dr. Christiane Northrup and knew I had to have the book. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that this is one of the most important books I've ever read in my life. This elegantly written but to-the-point book is all about how we can reframe what is possible in our lives.

And I was in need of reframing. Along with the backward slide of my health my attitude had slid right along with it. Here I was so close to launching one of the most important projects of my life to date, and yet I was feeling resentful and frustrated. It had been a tough project to get started and it had been stalled many times along the way, and in ways, my associates and I had very little or no control over. Other opportunities glimmered but they were wrapped up in dances that felt like forward-back-back.

I knew in my heart that while I was projecting all of this negativity outwards it was really my own house that really needed to be put in order mentally, emotionally and physically. This was my year of "allowing" but I was having a very hard time allowing at the moment. And so I began to read. From the very beginning the Zanders state that the book offers practices that are "transformational."  They state:

"The history of transformational phenomena - The Internet, for example, or paradigm shifts in science, or the spread of a new religion - suggests that transformation happens less by arguing cogently for something new than by generating active, ongoing practices that shift a culture's experience of basis for reality."

Hmm. Isn't that exactly what had happened to me when I gave up my car? It wasn't until I was too tired and too poor to deal with non-existing parking and a car on its last legs that I noticed my city offered very good public transportation over four years ago. Once I spent more time riding and walking I noticed a lot more people on bikes than ever before, and my interest in bicycle advocacy was sparked. But it wasn't until I met Charlie that I realized a bike could be right tool for transportation for myself as well. I didn't feel judged because I wasn't ready to ride yet, but after about four months of knowing him I did feel "enrolled." And that is a key ingredient in the Zander's practices - enrolling and enaging others rather than preaching from the podium.

It's not overstating it that my life has been transformed by not owning a car. Fascinatingly not at all in ways I had imagined. Had you asked me over four years ago if I thought it was possible my most exciting career opportunities would blossom because of it I'm sure I would have laughed. Becoming a communications specialist for walking/biking and public transportation advocacy never entered my mind. Indeed I'm not sure they existed as careers options at all.

This summer I've had the great pleasure of meeting writer and editor Alissa Walker who has also had her life transformed, or reframed as it were, by giving up her car. And I've become an avid reader of the Communicatrix blog and the 50 for 50 project. I'll share why these two women are such an inspiration for me tomorrow - when I yet again start my day with creating!

Making Friends with Fear

The March issue of Shambala Sun features the beloved Pema Chodron on the "Smiling at Fear" teachings. I'm not ready for that. No. I can't smile yet at that which makes my stomach lurch, or my knees knock. I would like to be there but I'm not.

But maybe, just maybe I can make friends with one or two of those fears that haunt me so often. 

Sunday morning, after a 48 hour migraine that left me finally not in pain, yet still feeling like I'd been run over by a truck, I went out for breakfast and realized that I just wasn't up for anything. I was disappointed in myself. This would be day three of accomplishing not much and it was beginning to look like a month that had started out so promising was going to be a personal disappointment.

Oh, but hold on a moment. This is my year of "allowing," right? Not my year of, "Melissa accomplishes more than ever before." It's so easy for me to fall into that trap, how about you? It's so easy for me to want to be able to check "doing" things I can check easily off a list. I am so wrapped up in the doing culture and in so doing I forget that I began this "allowing" journey this year because what I'm really going for is those subtle but deep transformational shifts in my being that allow me to look at myself and my world with fresh eyes.

So I decided that I wasn't disappointed in myself after all. Yes, I have much spring cleaning and organizing to do. Yes, I have a tax project looming over my head that I want very much to complete by mid April. Yes I have a novel I want to get back to writing. Ok. But pushing myself when I was weak and very tired both from the migraine, and also because my downstairs neighbor needs to blast his t.v. all night won't bring me any closer to being friends with my fear, or even perhaps someday being able to smile at it.

The Power of a Happier Stomach!

On my list of health challenges I've always put my stomach at the bottom of the list. I've always thought of my need to cart around Gas-X, and Pepto Bismal as an uncomfortable somewhat embarassing inconvenience but nothing compared to my challenges with fatigue and headaches. I'm mean really, who wants to talk about feeling gassy and bloated and whatnot?  On the pain scale the migraines trump. But alas! I've been approaching it all backwards. The gut is key to overall health, including combating fatigue and headaches according to Dr. Michael Day my astute chiropractor/wellness expert and I am now I'm seeing the light.

When we first met Dr. Day had me fill out extensive information on myself. Quickly zeroing in on the fact that I have an ongoing battle with Candida, I'm allergic to bell peppers and have unfriendly experiences with broccoli and cauliflower (love the taste, hate the post eating stomach ache) and raw vegetables in general (except carrots) are challenging for me, he recommended that I give both a good pre and probiotic complex a try. The two need to work in tandem for optimum stomach, gut and intestine health.

Off I went to Whole Foods and upon the recommendation of their helpful sales person I decided to try the "Rainbow Light Advanced Enzyme Optima" complex.  I knew only the sketchiest bits about probiotics and prebiotics had completely escaped me. But this is my year to be open to the new and to allowing so I was willing to give them both a try.

The best explanation I've heard to wrap my head around what the pre and probiotics can do for you is imagining an aquarium and how challenging it is to keep it in the right balance so that everything lives in balance and nothing starts to take over.  This article "Why Prebiotics are Essential to Your Heart Health and Immune System" by Donna Gates at bodyecology.com gives a great overview that makes it easy to understand the crucial importance of both.

Prebiotic/Probiotic complexes take a commitment but once you feel the results you won't care that you need to cart them around with you. You need to and take them a 1/2 hour before eating (or with food, you'll need to test and see what works best for you). I noticed a difference immediately. My stomach hasn't completely calmed down yet but the majority of the pain has gone. Wow. Yay. And the Candida is much less of an issue (and ladies you know what an uncomfortable challenge this is).

A few days ago on the way to errands and dinner I realized I had forgotten to bring the Optima with me and knew a dinner of Chinese food coming up would leave my tummy unhappy, a plans for a romantic evening later might be nixed if this was the case - so I bought the "Natural Brand Probiotic Complex" at Rite Aid and it worked well. What works best is if I take both.

I also have very good energy days now and am feeling the need to take a nap less and less. My headaches are still challenging, but I haven't had a migraine that's held on and become full blown and sent me to bed in about a week and I'm thrilled.

Surviving the Backlash

I don't know about you, but whenever I decide to make a change in my life things go very swimmingly for awhile and then BAM, I hit a roadblock. Month two of this new "allowing" and I'm still new to it. Last week was tough. It wasn't as if good things didn't happen, but I viewed almost everything as if I was walking around under a dark cloud. Instead of appreciating the previous weekend away to San Luis Obispo I pined for its green rolling hills as if they represented freedom and mourned their loss. I felt crowded by my work obligations. My messy studio was driving me crazy but I was overwhelmed with the concept of just where to begin the clean up.

What I realize now (with the brilliance of hindsight thank you) is that my old way of seeing myself and how I go about my life and my new "allowing" philosophy were knocking heads. The old mostly-focused-on-work-and-leaving-little time for Melissa way does not want to go quietly. It has ruled my own life since I was 22, and it ruled the atmosphere I grew up in as well.

Workaholicness has had a long and successful reign in my life, but this new "allowing" way wants to blossom and grow and flourish now. And in it's impatience to bloom and grow I am not always graceful. I felt incapable of verbal eloquence. I was impatient and short and basically felt just as under a pressure cooker the same as I've felt the times I've tried to take steroids to reduce my use of headache pain medication. It wasn't pretty. My gentleman friend and I growled and snapped at each other. I felt like I was trying to communicate in a new way about new things but only awkward old language came across. I craved sugar like a mad woman, I ate ice cream and entire boxes of Milk Duds by myself and still wanted more. 

Saturday I let the workaholic reign and spent all day going through my 2010 finances so I could finish my taxes. Something about the ease of Turbo Tax egged me on. I worked myself into a bad tension headache but found out that I may not owe anything and might even get something back! Yipee. But still the dark cloud persisted.

Sunday, however, I rose with my sense of peace restored. Looking around my messy studio a little light went off in my head, "why not focus on what will make your space more beautiful?" It was tempting to do more tax work but I resisted, accepting instead a feeling that I'd been given one of those "Permission Slip from God" moments. So I focused on one small section, my "living room" and cleaned off my little table that I use for dining of all the paper work I had piled on it, took the piles of read magazines gathering dust around it down to the recycle, cleaned off my mantle and cleaned and dusted all of my picture frames, vacuumed, dusted, tended to the beautiful roses my gentleman friend had just bought for me and voila. Now I have a place to rest my eyes, to see my beloved friends and family members in photos, to appreciate pieces of art and the lovely restfulness order.