The meaning of Juxaposition I liked best this morning Wikipedia states:

Random juxtaposition, two random objects moving in parallel, a technique intended to stimulate creativity

Nice!

If you are a follower of clothing fashion trends you know that we're at a crossroads. The fashion creators have used up just about every ounce of inspiration they could out of the 1970's and now a shift is occurring.

The 1980's are now moving (again) into the spotlight, but the designers have yet really come up with their own signature version of that era and so they are mixing it up big time with a myriad of eras (with the 80's playing the biggest inspiration) to figure out what new remakes of those trends will hit big time and get us to buy - they are looking for the right juxapositions.

If you're old enough to remember many originally sneered at low rise hip hugging wider flare pants coming back into style in the 2000's you might also recall when those same women realized that worn right they can be very flattering to the female figure.

There is tremendous power that comes from giving something you've poo poo'ed, for yourself or someone else, a second thought, a new look, a fresh take.

If you were to glimpse through the September issue of Vogue (see above) as I did recently you would see the 1920's inspiration in Halle Berry's bob haircut and clothes for the cover story, you'd also see the 1950's look big time inspired by our love of all things "Mad Men," and the 1980's prep, rocker, militaryand geometric looks reimagined along with many many other things to the point that it's almost an overwhelming hodge podge.

I'm not going to predict which old trends reimagined will stick (I vote for anything with riding boots!) I'll leave that to fashionistas like Rose Apodaca, but I do know that the first versions of higher waisted pleat-front pants inspired by the 1980's probably won't be the ones that most women will clamor for. They won't be flattering to enough figures. They will be worn by the very young and the very trendy, while the designers find a way to make the silouette be flexible enough to work on a broader audience.  After all, fashion now has to pay court to a broader audience than ever a the Baby Boomers continue to be the generation with the largest amount of spending dollars and want to stay current.

But let's go back to the term juxtaposition and it's power in creativity.

Seeing yourself in a new light opens up all kinds of space. Right now I'm working on a vision and inspiration board for an upcoming bicycle project and I'm looking through a myriad of current fashion magazines to find words, phrases and looks that click for me and that I think will inspire our creative team for our marketing campaign.

As I do this it's reminding me of my younger self and how I put so many restrictions on her, how I painted my self into a corner. I was so very frightened of being wrong, ironically at a time when it's really okay to try different things on, to flub, to make wrong choices and to try again.

But what I'm getting out of this exercise is that it's always okay to try, fail, and try again. Succeeding right away at something gives you very little to learn from, in it's own way paints you into a straight jacket of thinking there is only one way.

This morning's reading has taken me from Orion Magazine, to the Urban Ecology Center in Milwaukee, to the LuLu Live site that began promoting the "Rock the Green" event in September of 2011 in May of 2009 as they began to seek corporate sponsorship.

Now that is what I call planning ahead and giving an idea and an event room to flourish. I hope they pull it off and I hope it's amazing.

But often we don't give ideas and opportunities just that, often we rush, and we rush to failure.

Here is something I find fascinating about human beings - how we can have such clarity and focus about how to succeed in certain aspects of our lives and such blindness in others. One can be marvelous at raising children with tender loving care and have no real idea how to succeed in the business world, one can be at the top of their game in business but really be lousy at love - and yet, in both cases be blind to the fact that this is the case.  

We can literally not see just how we constantly shoot ourselves in the foot by not creating the space and place to flourish in one aspect of our lives while avidly allowing and grooming it in others.

Certainly for most of us things aren't so black and white; life is usually pretty nuanced. But the fact remains that we can be very blind to how we prevent ourselves from blooming and growing in a particular section of our lives, while succeeding beautifully in others.

I have been a workaholic my entire adult life. First I was a workaholic in an industry I understood well but didn't enjoy (international shipping) and then I was a workaholic in two industries I enjoy (the handmade gift industry and then public relations) so for a long time I fooled myself into believing I'd resolved the problem because I had such a good time working so hard.

Now, for the record, I have no problem with working hard, that's not my issue, my issue is that I haven't known how to slow down unless it was the dead stop of sleep or laying in bed reading.

But a few months ago my gentleman friend shared with me how he had changed his philosophy about how he went about his work life about a decade ago and decided rather than being a businessman he was now an artist. A little bell went off that said, "pay attention" but at the same time it was a total tilt moment.

About a month later I had to ask him to explain it again because try as I might I couldn't remember what he said because it was so foreign to my way of thinking. True, I am an artist. I have been an artist since the age of three or so when I took to drawing and painting like swimming for a duck, but it's not the title I use when I tell others what I do. I lead with publicist and sometimes when I'm feeling brave, writer.

Of late I've been wondering, why? Why? A big part of it has to do with the idea I've had since childhood that artists are inherently flaky. I was always getting in trouble for being a flake as a child, for having my "head turned on backwards," for forgetting to do things. Since I was an artsy child I thought that the artist part was the problem - now I see that likely it was just because I was a child. Oh boy, big aha moment.

In my 20's I went painstakingly about reorganizing my world to move from artsy flake to organized polished professional in the fear that I would never earn a living as an artist so that always needed to be a side gig. And I succeeded. I became pretty fierce in my togetherness, apt to be early than be late, apt to over prepare, and at times overwhelm others with my research, information and ideas.

But do artists need to be inherently flaky? Now I think not. For one, over the past several years I've met some very together artists, and for another, as I've slowly allowed my own creative renaissance I've accepted that I like being together and organized.

But artists do need fuel for the fire, and I have realized that in order to kick up the caliber of what I'm able to imagine and envision and spark I need to allow myself more play time, and more down time that is inspirational and not merely rest with a book. In essence, I need to give myself permission to create the space and place for the artistry and inspiration to flourish.

How about you? Is there some aspect of your life that you're rethinking and reframing to give it the space it needs to grow? Have you found an area where you're finally able to "Allow that Permission Slip from God?"

breathe in breathe out :: tied to a wheel fingers got to feel
:: i spin on a whim i slide to the right :: i felt you like
an electric light :: for our love :: for our fear :: for our
rise against the years and years and years

got a machinehead better than the rest :: green to the red machinehead
:: and i walk from my machine :: i walk from my machine :: deaf
dumb and thirty

starting to deserve this :: leaning on my conscience wall ::
blood is like wine :: unconscious all the time :: if i had it
all again :: i’d change it all

It was a terrific concert. He's a wonderful showman and I remember smiling to myself as younger people in the audience (and then later online) marveled that he could still rock it at over 40 singing a song about being 30! Imagine!

I am thinking about owning your own story this morning. About doing my best not to take on the projection of others as part of my job on this planet, nor projecting myself and ideals onto others and pressuring them to take those on either.

This can be tough. I'm sure you know this as well as I do.

We are social creatures, but basically we can only view the world through our own lenses. We can certainly be compassionate, but our own perceptions will always color our world. I've been reminded of late just how much this is true.

The Internet allows us to be frank and candid in a way that we were perhaps only before in letters, as Amber Neslud of Brass Tack Thinking points out on her blog this am:

"On the web, words can be more than just words. They’re small little reflections of who we are, what we believe, and what we want others to know about us."

Until just recently this summer.

I knew it was starting to come back with a vengeance when I charmed my gentleman friend into escorting me to Target for a list of things Sunday, including kitchen towels in a very particular shade of fresh green. You see the truth of the matter is that I actually have a big Martha Stewart streak (as do all of the women in my family). I love decor. I can do a mean paint job. I love to plan parties. Given the time and resources I have been known to do calligraphy on the invitations to said parties - in an ink that matched the party's look and feel.

Ah yeah, I can go there.

What has been the most frustrating thing for me about my studio space for the past several years is that the outer mess did not reflect the inner creative renaissance going on. I get now that it had to happen that way. Don't we all see so clearly with that marvelous 20/20 of hindsight? As a student of metaphysics I understand that thought is the causal level, I do, oh but incubating can sometimes be such a long process, can't it?

Sometimes a good cleaning up and redecorating of the outside can sooo help jumpstart what's trying to happen on the inside. We all know a great new haircut can do wonders, a fresh coat of paint can give us a new lease on life. And yet, try as I might I just couldn't get up the energy, will or follow through to make more than the most rudimentary necessary efforts happen i.e. getting the laundry done and dishes done. Or if I would make some progress I would quickly backslide into a bigger mess.

But now the piles are slowly disappearing and staying gone.

A shift has occurred, and a cool summer has helped it along. I am rediscovering art work I thought I'd lost and the research and information from an old website of mine that will be so useful for my new book/website project. I'm rearranging drawers and letting go of clothes that I have not thought about in years. I'm remembering why I picked the colors for my bed linens and why I love them. I'm dusting my bookshelves slowly, lingering, marveling that I'm a person who reads the strange assortment of books that I do. What would others make of these choices? What would they think of my cross of "The Essential Rumi" with David Sedaris, Anthony Trollope's "Ayala's Angel (my very favorite of his work), and another book shelf with much of it dedicated to young adult fantasy fiction that goes beyond Harry Potter into the world's of Holly Black and Tamora Pierce?

I'm smiling at the art on my walls, and the photos from magazines of people who inspire me that I've ripped out of the vast quantities of magazines I so enjoy and tacked to a special wall. Hello Ray Charles, Karen Armstrong (whose book "Spiral Staircase" lives on my nightstand with a photo of my beloved great grandmother resting on top), Christien Amapour, Anderson Cooper, Jane Goodall, and yes, Viggo Mortensen. Hello to those who live bravely and arffully dancing to the beat of their own drummer. Hello to those who want to be excellent at what they love, and their life's work.

And hello to a me that has been long asleep. How will she express herself differently this time? I hope she's braver not on her ideas, but on the follow through, on the giving the space and time and energy to see things that spark her truly flourish.

What do your rooms say about you?

Gilbert speaking at TED in 2009 on creative inspiration.

What I find so very fascinating about the phenomenon known now as "Eat, Pray, Love" is the angry backlash. I could be way off base here, but from where I sit it feels like only the Twilight books/movies and before that the Harry Potter series were similar in the strength of their cultural megastormness.

You can now buy "Eat, Pray, Love" travel packages and perfumes and whatnot, and this is making some who are very serious about their spiritual path (and some who just like to be critics) uncomfortable and crying everything from "this is only spiritual-lite" to "this is Western narcissism at it's finest."

Let me say up front I am a fan of the writing of Elizabeth Gilbert. I have been a fan of her writing since I read her first novel, "Stern Men." Where others say "Eat, Pray, Love" doesn't deal with the true harshness of real life, and that she seems uber unaware of her uber privileges as a white woman sent on an all expenses paid vacation I say, hold on a minute. Is life often filled with harsher realities than Gilbert's life is filled with during the episode the book covers? Absolutely? Do most people in the world have the economic benefit her talent as a writer has carved out for her? No.

But I think many are missing three main points of the book. One, Gilbert is a writer to her bones. She is not a spiritual seeker who  decided to write down a bit of her spiritual journey. Gilbert was given the assignment to write "Eat, Pray, Love" precisely because of her talent. She is not a fly-by-night or over night success, she's an award winning writer whose 1997 magazine article in GQ profiling her time as a bartender in an East Village dive became the film "Coyote Ugly."

Writers often create their best work when they face with honesty their darkest moments and come out on the other side. Gilbert's editor smelled gold in her gifted client's yearning to break away from the hauntedness of being the "leaver" of a marriage, the provider who decides she wants something else (an interesting twist, this is usually played by a man), who lets go of her nest egg in order to get a new lease on life. The editor said yes to the book idea and the trip because she knew Gilbert would deliver something worth reading, perhaps something that would win a prize, and maybe be featured on NPR.

I'm sure neither thought, "oh this will be a blockbuster of the likes no one has ever seen for the 30+ crowd." Neither realized how many females (and males too) were at a place in their life that they would relish going along for just such a journey.

Here is how I saw the book - I saw the book as a journey to the right romance at the right time. I saw the book as an exploration and sharing of the kinds of things you've got to go through to be in the right headspace/heartspace to accept it. The book is called, "Eat, Pray, Love" not "Eat, Pray, Love and How I Got Really Real in My Spiritual Journey" or "Eat, Pray and How I Learned to Love the World." It is a book for still hopeful romantics who've been chewed up and spit out by love, but who want to know there's still a chance for them, that middle age isn't too late (either side of it), that the person you initially overlook might just be the very right one - and if you're open to it you can learn to look with new eyes, a new heart.

If you are from a culture where individual romantic love is not seen nearly as important as the wholeness of family, or the creation of children, than the book is definitely not for you. It is absolutely the book of an individual's journey to love, one individual's take. If you were the one who was left in a marriage, the one who is too frightened to take your own creative risks because you've always put the care of others first, then I can see how this book might not be for you.

And where the movie (I haven't seen it yet, so I'm projecting here) might go wrong is that it has cast the incredibly sexy Javier Bardem as the final love interest for Julia Roberts as Gilbert - they are 41 and 42 respectively. In the book, and in her real life, the man Gilbert falls for finally is quite a bit older than her. He is a polite, erudite, and incredibly thoughtful and charming man but someone Gilbert initially only sees as a friend. I don't know about you, but when I look at Javier Bardem I don't automatically think, "Oh gee, I hope he'd be my friend." (Which means that why yes, I am going to go to see the movie anyway)

When I read the book the first time I was disappointed by the ending. At the time I as at the age that Gilbert is now and I had recently discovered the fun of dating younger men. I didn't like that the hero was older so I almost missed the point.

However, when I went back and read the book a second time I was more open to the story's message of learning to be open to love in unforeseen moments, in unforeseen places, that sexy can surprise you (which I am in the process of discovering myself right now thank you).

In the arms of an older man, Gilbert, who was the major bread winner in her first marriage, is allowed to be her full self in the arms of a man who has seen more of life, who can talk her down when her fast introspective spinning brain gets her into trouble, who gives her the space to be both silly and sensual, who is unfazed by the small every day challenges that can make many of us feel the world is out to get us, and who continues to behave with kindness and decorum when the really hard knocks smack us.

He is, in a word, a man. Really, the book for me is about the triumph of becoming a grown up.

Yesterday the words to the song "Edelweiss" from "Sound of Music" popped into my head as I was starting to ponder this blog, and most pointedly two words repeated themselves a few times, "bloom & grow." And I thought, aha, what more perfect two words can there be for August?

I couldn't quite relax with the concept yesterday though. It has been a crazy week. On one hand it has been absolutely perfect. The weather has been sunny and breezy (not yet the Lion's roar of an August I've come to expect and dread) and just unbelievably gorgeous. I have had a wonderful time with my family and my gentleman friend, (who bought me a pink rose the other day and they are my favorite). I've even continued on my "opening space cha cha" slowly cleaning and organizing and reimagining how I use my living and work space.

On the other hand it's a time of "hurry up and wait," wait for approval for projects to move forward, for funds to arrive. Things are very positive but there are possible glitches, as always. You know how that is, right? Usually when this happens I begin to push, both mentally and physically. How about you? I double check, I clarify, or I run around and try to find new gigs just in case everything goes "poof" and in the process I get over tired and wear myself and of course get migraines.

There is a part of me that wants to do that run around now, but it's voice is small. There's another part, a bigger part, that simply wants to rest and enjoy the sunshine. This louder voice right now wants to cuddle my baby nephew, enjoy a beautifully prepared meal, or even create a beautifully prepared meal, talk on the phone with friends and family, dance at the Long Beach Funk Fest, take a short car trip, enjoy naps.

In other words, I just want to relax and think of anything but work. Basically I just want to relax and own that I've already received my "Permission Slip from God."

What I am finally honoring is that the wildly creative side of me, the side that connects the dots with alacrity and flow, makes up buzz worthy event ideas, paints pictures well with words, comes up with sexy copy, helps others get to the heart of their mission and see their path more clearly, needs rest and down time just as much as jamming along on the computer, reading researching and readying on the Internet.

And I'm owning too, that in order to be valuable and useful to others I don't necessarily have to conform to a rigid ideals of the appearance of professionalism. I am a professional. I am reliable. I do what I say I'm going to do. If I have erred in the past it would be on the side of hyper-vigilant, of giving to the point of overwelming people with too much, too fast, too soon.

So maybe I can ease up how I need to come across and just be myself. Maybe myself is more appealing anyway, who knows? Maybe my longer to add a sexier twist will be welcomed and enjoyed?

Yesterday while still battling with myself on the rest concept, still worried that I hadn't yet done enough on two specific projects, I came across the "Crazy Sexy Life" blog of "wellness warrior" and author Kris Carr. I had read about her initially in Lance Armstrong's magazine about six months ago. I had been very touched by her story, of her dealing with a very tough tough cancer in an amazingly positive way, so I was thrilled yesterday to be led to where she writes and vlogs regularly.

If one wanted to study authentic story telling, done with honesty, integrity and cheeky sexy fun Kris is an ideal subject. I am inspired by her approach and her balance. She is prepared to succeed in getting her word out (actually she has succeeded beautifully, including a visit to Oprah), her mission is clear, her outreach creative and solid.

But what I feel is the crucial crucial point that so many of us miss in our rush to try and monetize an idea is that she is also actively living her wisdom and taking us on a journey of what it is like to allow healing in the midst of dealing with one of the toughest kinds of cancer. As she learns we learn.

How could this be applied to your life's work? I'm certainly pondering how I can better apply it here and for my new upcoming research and book project. How could I help you dear reader better understand what I've learned and realized? I'd love to hear what you're realizing, blooming and growing within yourself as well.

It's not quite as bad as it was, but it's still a real challenge, a tough challenge. I can no longer whip an apartment clean in under three hours. Re-organizing a closet, or an entire room feels akin to scaling a mountain in flip flops. Now I have to break down cleaning and organizing into little bite sized chews if I want to make progress, and as I was reminded last week when I decided to face old boxes from the past and see what I could edit down, it is often a dance of forward and back, not just forward.

In the process of facing my past I made matters worse in my small studio, which I have yet to deal with. It was a worthy endeavor. It inspired me take on compiling and pitching a book concept I've been chewing on for almost ten years. I'm just about ready to jump back into the dating and sex advice/conversation arena again, but nonetheless I'm left with a mess. I want to get it cleaned up, I do. I can envision a beautifully clean studio that makes me smile when I open the door, fragrant with fresh lilies from the farmer's market, but so far the vision and the reality don't match up.

This weekend I decided to break things down into even tinier little bite sized chews. For now I'm ignoring the boxes with my past to deal with. Instead I cleaned my vanity area between my main closet and bathroom. I washed all of my dusty perfume bottles and used rubbing alcohol to clean off much handled make up containers. Then I moved to my medicine chest and laid down new contact paper on the shelves.

I'm hoping I'll feel inspired to clean the rest of the bathroom as well, but I'm not sure yet. I've learned that my focus and energy for these kinds of projects appears and disappears on a dime and I'm getting better about beating myself up for it because the mental chastising did nothing towards accomplishment.

So now I'll try this new micro way, I'll do my best to make it fun, to make it a dance and see what that accomplishes. I do know, I do own, that when you want new positive things to come into your life you really do need to create new space for them - mentally, emotionally and physically.

So what if you're great at being neat and tidy, but you'd like something else good to come into your life? Say you want a new romance? This I'm actually quite good at, and this is yet another reason I need to get my abode under control.

My advice? Think of what would make that new person comfortable in your abode. Put yourself in their shoes. It might sound silly, but for women small moves like switching to a disposable razor that's blue instead of pink, and making sure you have non-perfume scented soap in your shower.

I tell men to start actually stocking their refridgerator with more than beer and cocktail olives, to check the state of bath towels, kitchen towels and remembering to stock toilet paper - again sounds silly, I know, but making these kinds of shifts signal to yourself and the universe that you're ready now - same as really and truly letting go of someone who you know is not good for you. Need more convincing? I just stumbled onto Heather Havrilesky's Rabbit Blog and love her post on "Time to Dump that Man-Child."

Online early this am I came upon a wonderful link on Twitter from the blog of one of my favorite NPR programs "Speaking of Faith." The blog is by senior editor Trent Gilliss and features a fascinating and thought provoking piece of artwork called "The Animated Avadhuta." The 20 foot long piece of hand drawn artwork has been illustrated and narrated and set to music as a 10 minute short film. I urge you to take a little time to check it out. I promise the ten minutes goes by very quickly. The film is linked to the blog above.

Sometimes we really need to be reminded we are more than what's going on around us, that we are better than our worst angry thoughts, our challenges, and what we feel are not only our limitations but the limitations of our circumstances as well.

For myself this video was the perfect beginning to my day. It has been a tough pain week. It had been a great week in so many ways, but I had spent two and a half days with a pretty nasty migraine that was so bad I spent much of one of the days in bed. And as if they didn't want to be left out, a bunch of other not fun, but not serious symptoms reared their head and joined the party in the form of leg cramps, that icky flu feeling and stomach cramps. This happened, most likely, because I took on too much the weekend before and didn't get enough rest, and because I received two pockets of bad news that I allowed to freak me out. Not melt down freak out, but enough to be seriously bummed inching towards freak out.

Tired of feeling panicked and well, tired, last night I decided I wanted to spend this weekend contemplating the Buddhist term "Shenpa" and how we repeatedly get hooked on the drama our mind's make up. I'm pretty aware of when I'm stirring things up for myself (and when I'm trying to stir things up in others, usually with gossip or snarky observations), but being aware of something and taking action to stop it are two different things.

I want to stop stirring the up the fire.

Pema Chodron goes to great lengths to explain just exactly what Shenpa is, and it's many sticky nuances. She calls it, "how we get hooked" and goes on to explain:

"Here is an everyday example of shenpa. Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens— that's the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself."

The above is from Shambala Sun "The Shenpa Syndrome." I can work with a migraine, I can even go to meetings with a migraine (which I did this week), but after they escalate to a certain level of pain I know I just have to go to bed and be still. I have learned at that point not to torture myself with negative thoughts, but it's the "up to that point" of course, that needs help. My negative thoughts don't actually cause the migraines, I know this, but stress of negative thinking makes them much worse - and really, is there any worse hell than the one created by our own thoughts in our own head?

Prior to last night I had no idea what Shenpa was, I just knew I was in a bad place, rehearsing negative thoughts and I didn't want to stay stuck there. I pulled out Chodron's book, "No Time to Lose" (which I've had trouble in the past getting through, I wasn't ready for its depth) opened it up, and this was at the top of the page (pg 132):

"The basic message is this: instead of turning up the heat and bringing your emotions to a boil, add some cool refreshing water to the mix and the shenpa charge will subside."

Wow, that was poignant. I kept reading little bits and then laying in bed pondering. I felt new avenues of possibility open up.

One of the reasons I was so hooked last week was that I've had two situations come up of late where people have held me semi-responsible for how an idea I came up with for them played out in actuality and not hitting what they were hoping for in the time frame they wanted.

The challenge for me is that in one instance I had very little say in how they went forward with the idea and put it into play (indeed, many of my suggestions were ignored) and in the second instance I had no real say at all. I came up with the idea, I made introductions and went to two brief "let's talk about this idea and who to approach" meetings. I had nothing to do with the approach, the scope, the people involved, or the creation of the final product.

The problem is that I take the emotional baggage of this kind of responsibility on all of the time. Sometime in my early adulthood I got the message that because I was so smart, when I was involved in a project, I was responsible for everyone else's part as well - because I'm the one who should have been able to foresee all of the possible pitfalls, challenges etc. The irony is that when I do bring up the challenges - I am told to stop being negative, or I'm thinking too small.

Crazy I know, but there it is.

Now, I'm certainly not special in the above. People are constantly finding ways to make others responsible for things that are really only our own deal, but for some reason for years and years even though I knew intellectually I wasn't responsible I still took on the emotional baggage. I still accepted the role. And that needs to stop, both the taking on and then the resentment of. I want to get unhooked.

And as I write this I realize what a time suck being hooked is, truly! If I didn't spend time being hooked on some silly piece of drama that wouldn't be if I didn't amplify it I could spend more time being creative and maybe I could animate my own little short film.

What would you do if you knew you absolutely could not fail if you gave it your very very best? I asked myself that this weekend as I was digging through boxes, trying to decide what to keep and what to toss, and wondering how in the world I'd collected so many spare pieces of electronic equipment I now have absolutely no use for.

The answer came back, clear as a bell, "write a book."

But the book that popped into mind wasn't one of the two fantasy novels I've been working on, no, it was a book idea I've been chewing on for almost ten years that I just didn't have the nerve to go for previously. It would be a bit controversial, and would need to hit a very fine line to be the smart cultural critique/hope for a brighter tomorrow I had in mind. Previously I just wasn't sure I had the chops for it. Later that day on twitter I stumbled upon a great link for putting together a winning non fiction proposal and marketing plan in the "There Are No Rules" blog by Jane Friedman on Writer's Digest.

Inspired I wrote to teacher and writer Betsy Prioleau, whom I'd had the pleasure of getting to know a little when I interviewed her about her marvelous book "Seductress: Women Who Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love" a few years ago. I told her about my book idea and asked boldly, if she liked it, could I interview her for the proposal? Shortly after she replied and said she thought it was a great idea but she was on deadline with her newest book at present - which is perfect because I haven't even finished drafting my mission statement for it yet!

If that wasn't enough yes from the universe, when I told a dear friend about it he said he'd like to play a part, he'd like to help make the website really top of the line and he is an expert web tech guy. We are already talking about the design and function of the book's pre-site, a place where we'd start the conversation and create a robust survey so that the book really listens to what's going on.

Another friend and client also gave his thumbs up and recommended that I use some of the promotion ideas I've wanted to follow for him, for myself. And I had to stop and ask myself, why not?

I will hit bumps and serious roadblocks. I know this. And this project cannot be my end all be all, like all of you I have to earn a living, and I love my clients and the projects we have going together. Indeed, this is one of the most exciting times in my life professionally - but I think that's exactly why things are coming together so beautifully. I'm now more and more about the process and less and less about what others think.

In the past ten years I've reinvented myself for the fourth time in my life, and this has been the most rewarding one because it's the most authentic. I am now giving myself permission to really be myself. It has not been clear sailing all along, oh no. It's been one rough migraine filled ride. But it's also been joyous and interesting and exciting because I'm dancing to the beat of my own drum.

How about you? What are you waiting on the Permission Slip from God for? What if you are the only one who really needs to say yes?

I've been going through old boxes from my past, trying to edit down my "stuff," and finding things I'd thought I'd lost. Frankly it's a job I've been terrified of. It's one that moves me to tears and I've been avoiding it like the plague. But I've challenged myself of late to look deeper at those scary dark corners of my past with a "beginner's mind" and curiosity to see if I can open up more space, and understanding for myself, and above all to hear and feel more "Yes" and recognize more the "Permission Slip from God" when it shows up.

The boxes hold the details of lives I've given up. In one case that means the artistic gift business I was in with my ex-husband for about ten years, in another its bits and pieces of the research and work I did on a website I created and hosted dedicated to sensuality, and in still others are the few pieces of artwork throughout the years that I've actually held onto instead of giving away as gifts.

I started the website dedicated to sensuality in 2000, but gave it up when the migraines and my financial situation worsened to the point that I really thought the universe was telling me no. The photo above isn't from that time, it's from 1984, and another time I thought the universe was saying no to a dream when it was likely telling me yes. That was the year I was a fit model for the Barefoot Miss and Athena Swimwear lines in Tustin (owned by RAJ Manufacturing, the only big bathing suit manufacturer left in the OC).

The year I was 20 was a memorable one for many reasons, most not happy. I was so paranoid about my crooked nose, and small scar under one eye, that even though I was very honored the bathing suit company wanted me photographed along with other models for their catalog, I was terrified that they'd have to reshoot the photos I was in once they saw how un-photogenic I was.

As you can see that didn't happen. The photos came out fine (though if you could see the whole catalog you'd have a good laugh with me at the big hair which is starting to creep back into style now). No, they were more than fine. Coming across the old brochure stuck in with other old photos last Sunday I see what everyone else but my parents saw - a remarkably pretty girl, with a group of other pretty girls, all of whom look great in a bathing suit.

My parents thought my being a fit model was fine for the moment, but didn't want me to go further into the modeling world - that they were pushing my younger sister too. The message we got was that she had the face, I had the body, but if she could just keep her weight down she could really make it.  I, on the other hand, was only 5' 7 1/2" and was a bit too short and curvy to be anything but sportswear model, and with a crooked nose and a small scar under one eye, most likely only for local California companies.

That categorizing, begun when we were even younger, would lead to heartbreakingly challenging body issues for both my sister and I. We are not yet free of them, but we've made great strides. Now in middle age peace glimmers on the horizon. Did my parents mean to be so, well, mean? No, they were voicing their own fears of not being good enough.

While being a sportswear model in So Cal would have been fine for me, my parents weren't interested in local, they were interested in Big. My Mother worked for one of the top high end Italian tour companies, my Father was spending his last few months as the VP of Marketing for Fender Guitars. Soon the entire executive team would be laid off as CBS decided to sell the most famous guitar company in the world - and my Dad would then go into hyper drive trying to find the resources and team to help him buy it.

He wouldn't be successful in that bid (the company had already been secretly sold to his old boss. My father would end up suffering more or less a nervous breakdown from the stress, and at one point would drive a Super Shuttle in order to help pay the bills).

What I learned in 1984 was to give up on dreams and focus instead on what was smart. I was supported by the bathing suit company to try more modeling, especially by the designer, but since I had no support from home (and my world revolved around my glamorous parents) I only made small half hearted attempts and heard many no's that were actually yes's.

My parents did not think fashion or the arts were a smart choice unless it was from the business side, or you were overwhelmingly and automatically brilliant. To my parents I was a talented flake with no focus. I was floundering around in college, cutting more classes than I went to. I'd gone to one year of fashion marketing at FIDM but hadn't liked it and it was too expensive for what it offered. I was sort of going to Orange Coast, but I was also obsessed with the welfare of my younger sister and brother (who was only nine at the time) and my parent's ongoing battles that I was having a hard time focusing.

When a family friend visited from Florence for the summer Olympics and invited me to come to language school the following year I took her up on the offer. It was a chance to escape my parent's war. By the time I was 22 I was working fulltime in International Shipping, driving an hour + each way to LAX, wearing suits to make myself look older. I would stay in that industry for ten years to try and make my parents happy and no longer be a flake. I hated almost every moment.

Now when I meet young people (and now I see that 20 is young, I didn't back then) I tell them to follow their heart, to do what they love, to get in on the ground level and work their way up. The world has been turned upside down since the 80's, there are no longer any "safe" choices - and the truth is there weren't safe choices back then either if one was denying their own truth.

And what I see much more clearly now, in these old boxes that hold so much of my vision and creativity, that I have not lost nearly as much as I thought I had, and that I can go back and reclaim old no's now and turn them into yes's. I have the opportunity now to go for it again if I choose to.