The Power of Decompressing

I'm in the middle of day two of some wonderful decompressing. It was hard to get here, both my mind and body wanted to stay wound up and social, chatting and going instead of sitting still, resting and reflecting, but I finally got here. I had to inch up on it sideways, but yes, I got here. Whew.

I've made it back to my journal, and my processing and my slowly going through receipts and notes. I'm even contemplating painting and drawing again, which I have set aside for the past several years.

In one of the piles of magazines that I've been needing to sort through and decide whether to keep or toss out I found the following marvelous quote from the May '09 issue of Shambala Sun and an interview with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche:

"At any given moment, you can choose to follow the chain of thoughts, emotions, and sensations that reinforce a perception of yourself as vulnerable and limited - or you can remember that your true nature is pure, unconditioned, and incapable of being harmed."

I love this. I am going to cut it out and paste it by the bathroom mirror (where I also have equinimity posted, just as a good reminder for the start of a day).

I am in the middle of some big time changes with my business. It's very exciting. I have decided to join forces with a friend who I have great respect and admiration for, a person who has strengths in areas I do not, and I'm in the middle of learning the language and approach to go after a whole new world of business.

It's marvelous to have my world cracked open like this, but it's also scary and since I always want to be the smart one with the answers I have a hard time handling the "tilt" moments when I'm stretched beyond my comfort zone and easy knowledge base (well, really, who is graceful at handling their tilt moments? The Dalai Lama?). This is when the negative voices (or for me the images) flash into my head that I am not good enough, that I am going to be un-invited to the party, that I'm going to be proven to be irresponsible and a bad choice, and people are going to be greatly disappointed in me.

And then of course my actions will move towards proving the voices/images right - the more wound up I get, the more unorganized and unfocused I get, and a self-fulfilling prophesy can happen.

Except that now, more often than not, I can stop in time and remember that in fact I'm a pretty together person. I can now remember that I am an adult who has certainly had her valleys and taken her hits, but who has had many successes as well, and that I'm good at what I do. I am no longer the sad, confused, lonely 12 year old whose parents fought all of the time. I'm not the girl who felt her head is turned on backwards (and who was told that repeatedly) who couldn't remember a combination lock for her bike, or to bring permission slips home in time to go on the field trip.

What a relief it is to remember we can come back to the present moment now, that the present is really all we have.