Settling for More

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." - Maureen Dowd

This quote speaks volumes to me, it's actually how I've lived much of my life - settling for less than I deserved.  Oh, I wasn't angelic about settling for less than I deserved, I resented it almost every step of the way, and grumbled and complained, but still down deep at heart I didn't own that I deserved better.  I thought I had to earn my way into everything, that life was a constant challenge to prove oneself as super worthy of every little crumb of goodness.

Now I'm learning to just show up at times, that more is sometimes less, and sometimes just myself without bells and whistles is okay.  I'm not trying so hard to be "the smart ones with the answers for others," (it's tough, I'm attached to being the smart one, but I've learned others can find this extremely annoying) and to say also, at times, "No thank you, not for me."  I'm learning.  I'm not brilliant at it, but I'm learning.  And I'm learning to ask for what I need without feeling like a horribly selfish person for doing so.  It took serious illness to get me to allow my needs in the first place, so I really hope it's a lesson I own now.  I greatly prefer feeling so much better.  I like waking up in the morning not feeling like I need to crawl right back to bed.

It's scary to be okay with asking to have your needs met, I just did it in a big way for me, knowing it was the right thing for me (and the other person involved) to do, but it was still scary and sad - and yet amazingly empowering too.  The study of Buddhism is helping me so much with these strange intersections of conflicting emotions that we're often told aren't the thing to feel.  After the recent "big" conversation I dreamt of seeing a clear path in front of me on gentle sloping green hills. 

I think the important thing to remember about needs and emotions is that they always come out one way or another.  They will have their say even if we'd prefer they didn't.  I've learned that if we ignore them long enough they'll pop up and sabotage us in the most brilliant way at the most inopportune moment in the way that's the most staggeringly embarassing.  All we need to do in order to see this so sadly and clearly is look at Britney Spears.  She has no knowledge of balance or right priority for her.  She is a pampered and spoiled workhorse, but we ignore the challenge here if we focus on the pretty and spoiled and forget the workhorse aspect.  This is a young woman who can get it together to record an album (which takes quite a bit of work) but who cannot get it together to take care of herself enough to take care of her children.  She can keep in good enough shape to wear a mini dress around, but cannot get together the emotional strength to make a court appearance or get the professional help she truly needs. 

This is the dark side of fame (and success) which our society is so obsessed with right now.  That of dialing up a devil you have no idea how to control but still fear letting go of.  It's so easy for everyone to blame Britney's mother, but did her mother have any better coping skills for the faustian bargain of Britney's fame? 

It's fascinating how oddly people behave about buying flowers at the shop I work at.  Something about flowers seems to bring out both the best and worst in us.  Most people are just lovely, happy to be around such beauty, but others are frantic and scattered and arrogant and rushed.  I guess it's partly because we live in a rushed society sure it can squeeze in one more errand if we snap our fingers and pretend to be super important enough - even though we're late late late!  I am amazed at those who pull their cars up and expect curbside service as if we're a drive-thru.  It's also likely that because flowers are for emotional situations and so many people just don't quite know how to handle those well - births, deaths, love, romance and hoping to get out of the doghouse - that they can't quite walk up and buy them in a polite manner.